I am turning 29 on Friday, and this seemed like an appropriate time to round up my photos from the last couple of months and start a new creative cycle. I feel dissatisfied with myself as an artist and as a person. This summer has been a struggle. I have been forced to face emotional, physical and mental challenges that I have been skirting for my entire life. My decision to try and live the rest of my life without alcohol has proven to just as scary and hard as I feared it to be. My whole life has changed. I am trying to learn to love myself and know myself and to learn from my past as opposed to running away from it. I can not believe how hard it has been. Things that I used to think were fun now feel scary. I feel more present, but I also feel more anxious and uncertain. I have an identity crisis daily, and sometimes it feels like nothing feels good. Not even food or the beach or sleeping in with my cat let alone working on projects, going to shows or trying to get into some trouble. I have a lot of work to do in order to not drink, let alone learn to live a life that is truly free and sober. Why am I telling you this?
I suppose it is because so many people that I love have been affected by my behavior, thoughts and feelings- especially in the past few months. But a lot of them still love me and are rooting for me, and that is the most incredible things in the world to me. I do not take that forgranted. Sometimes, the “big picture”- the things that are hard, the forecast of my life, the fucking fight that I must now fight every day… seems to obscure the little moments that make life worth living.
Looking at these photos made me feel a little better. Even if many are not my best. They reminded me that in spite of all the muck that has clouded my mind and heart- I did manage to have good moments with people who I love. It is important for me to look back at all these moments and remember that no matter how shitty things can feel as a whole, there are these little moments- many of which are captured in these photographs- that made me happy, even if just for a second. Some of them are better than others. A few rolls of film were destroyed by accident last week, leaving me heartbroken. I wish there were more. I wish I had gone out more, been to more shows, felt more like myself. But it is what it is, and now it is done. I look forward to what happens next, and I mean that honestly.
While I usually try to keep my photo updates seasonal, general chaos and disorganization prevented me from doing so this past fall… and winter… and spring… I am still in the midst of organizing negatives and reviewing work from the past six months but here is some in no particular order.